


Need You to Know

by CursingBunny



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Attempts at angst, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, bucky no, pre-Winter Soldier, pre-popsicles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 04:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2177862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CursingBunny/pseuds/CursingBunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His eyes fly open, lips parted in a sharp gasp as his body jerks up, darkness slowly coming into focus. Tears spill, unbidden, from his eyes as he drags in cold air, forcing them into unwilling lungs. He slowly retracts a hand he hadn’t known was outstretched and pushes cold, trembling fingers through messy brown hair.</p><p>“Shit,” he breathes, swallowing, throat tightening unpleasantly. </p><p>He lies back down, flinging an arm over his eyes, sleeve dampening rapidly from relentless tears. </p><p>“Shit,” he says again, voice hoarse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need You to Know

His eyes fly open, lips parted in a sharp gasp as his body jerks up, darkness slowly coming into focus. Tears spill, unbidden, from his eyes as he drags in cold air, forcing them into unwilling lungs. He slowly retracts a hand he hadn’t known was outstretched and pushes cold, trembling fingers through messy brown hair.

“Shit,” he breathes, swallowing, throat tightening unpleasantly.

He lies back down, flinging an arm over his eyes, sleeve dampening rapidly from relentless tears.

“Shit,” he says again, voice hoarse.

_The cold was vicious, biting as he clung desperately onto the loose metal bar, numb fingers clumsy._

_Steve is edging closer, hand outstretched._

_His reaches out, knowing he has to get to Steve, has to survive this. He can’t die yet- not now._

_He feels a slight give in the metal, and he knows it’s over._

_“Bucky, no!”_

_Steve is leaning forward, and-_

_-Don’t you dare come after me, punk-_

_-and he’s falling, can’t help the scream tearing from his throat._

Bucky unwittingly lets out a choked sob as the memory rushes in – no, not a memory. A dream. Had to be a dream. Cursing, Bucky rubs the tears out of his eyes, off his face and looks around the tent he shares with Steve.

It’s dark, his eyes still struggle to adjust, and it’s almost stifling. He breathes in deeply, slowly and glances at the unmoving figure lying three feet from him. Bucky blinks, listens to Steve’s quiet breathing. Breathing he shouldn’t be able to hear.

He wants to smile, feels like he should. Feels like he should be thankful for the reprieve from the dreams of _pain, trapped, helpless, changing, James Buchanan Barnes, 32557- 32- 3255- James- James Bar- 32-_

Dreams where Steve never found him, where Steve stayed safe back in good ol’ America. They did something to him, changed him, but Bucky didn’t want to find out how – still doesn’t.

The moment his brain was cleared of haze, the moment he no longer had the excuse of being drugged out of his mind, he had clung onto the familiar mantra of _have to take care of Steve,_ desperately pulling at the fraying edges of himself.

The fact that Steve doesn’t need him any longer fails to escape Bucky’s notice.

Bucky shivers, suddenly aware of the cold creeping in. He knows what he’s doing is stupid, knows that the guys are probably huddled up together in the other tent, sharing what little heat they have, knows he should have taken up Steve’s offer - the guy burns like a hot furnace – but something in him rails at the thought.

So when Steve had gestured towards his side of the tent, and said, ‘You wanna-?”, Bucky had scowled and curled up as far away from Steve as possible.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Barnes?” Bucky whispers, hands running down his face.

He sits still even though he shouldn’t. Can’t help his mind drifting back to the memo- dream. It's stupid, really. He knows how it’s going to go; they’ll zip line down to the train, knock out the guards and take Zola, Steve leading them to victory. He knows and he has to fight down the surge of resentment, growling.

He hates this.

He hates remembering the day he held the sniper rifle in his hands, looking at the clear shot of Steve through the scope. His fingers had twitched on the trigger before he caught himself, body flooding with horror. He had swung his aim up, grateful for the HYDRA agent creeping up on Steve, and took him out with a single shot. Steve had looked up at him, snapping out a quick salute, but Bucky couldn’t look back, could only rely on his body remembering how to aim and fire, fingers trembling.

He hadn’t been able to sleep for days after that, but he figured that was just punishment.

“Buck?”

Bucky’s head jerks up, eyes meeting Steve’s sleepy gaze. His throat closes up, lips parting as he tries to speak. Steve’s eyes are clearing, focusing sharply in concern. He crawls quickly over to Bucky, hand closing over numb fingers.

“Shit, Bucky, you’re freezing!”

Yes, he realizes belatedly, he really, really is. Shivers are racking his body; he’s shaking so much he feels like he’s going to burst into tears.

Steve’s scorching arms envelop him, hands attempting to rub some heat into freezing skin.

“Why you gotta be so stubborn, Buck?” Steve whispers, voice filled with worry.

And Bucky does start crying at that, wondering when the hell he’d gotten so emotional. He leans into Steve, small part of him screaming, fighting against it.

“I’m sorry, Stevie, I’m so damned sorry.”

Steve nods like he knows what Bucky means, but he has no clue, no fuckin’ clue what Bucky’s apologizing for. Because if he did, he wouldn’t be holding Bucky like this, wouldn’t worry about him like he _mattered_.

And suddenly, he’s glad for the dream, grateful that a world exists, even if it is only in his dreams, where he’d die protecting Steve, before he could hurt Steve.

Bucky can feel the cold clinging viciously to him, almost pushing away the heat radiating off of Steve, and he pulls Steve closer.

Steve is murmuring reassurances softly; breath warming Bucky’s ear and Bucky yearns.

“Love you, Steve,” he says, because he’s afraid he won’t be able to mean it if he waits any longer.

Steve huffs out laughter, squeezing Bucky even tighter.

“Yeah, love you too, Buck.”

He doesn't get it.

“No,” he growls, suddenly angry, because Steve doesn’t _get it,_ “No.”

“Bucky, wha-?”

Bucky surges up, hand hooking around Steve’s neck to jerk him down into a crushing kiss, and he doesn’t expect much, knows Steve is just going to push him away, stammer something about Peggy and try to brush the whole thing off, but Bucky can’t find it in himself to care. He deserves this, he deserves at least one moment when he can pretend that he’s happy, that everything’s alright; perfect.

Eventually Steve pulls away, eyes wide, arms still locked around Bucky.

“Buck,” he breathes, in shock.

“I’m sorry, Stevie,” he says, even though he’s not.

They sit together in silence for a while before Steve can summon a shaky smile.

“I guess that’s one way to warm up.”

Bucky snorts and pushes at Steve.

“Yeah.”

Steve refuses to relinquish his grip.

“Buck-” and great, now he wanted to _talk_ about it.

“Was nothin’, Steve. Don’t need to get all messed up about it.”

“Didn’t feel like nothing.”

Bucky sighs, wishing Steve were less of a stubborn punk.

“I know, Steve. You got a girl now. Don’t need me anymore,” it comes out unexpectedly bitter, so he adds, lamely, distractedly, “Told you you’d find someone.”

Bucky manages to push Steve away, body still trembling, but no longer from the cold. He stands, needing to be away from Steve so badly, his breaths are quickening, the beat of his heart picking up. He needs to be somewhere else, anywhere that’s not with Steve.

“Bucky! Buck!” he hears distantly, but he can’t focus on it.

Something clasps onto his arms and he almost screams. He thrashes in the strong grip, lashing out at the body in front of him. He hears a hiss of pain, but he still can’t move, he’s still _held down, trapped, metal chafing his wrists, fire running through his veins, his brain and he screams and screams but it doesn’t stop-_

A sob rips out of his throat, and suddenly, he’s free. Bucky bolts out of the tent into the biting cold, running blindly into the darkness.

Later, he finds himself propped up against a tree, clothes damp with snow. He’s shivering, shivering so much and he wishes Steve were with him but he’s also glad he’s not. He’s angry, always so angry and he wants to scream, but he still somehow knows exactly how far away from camp he was, knows that he didn’t make it very far.

He waits until the cold numbs him, waits until it gets too much, his eyes drooping shut before he pushes himself up and makes his way back to the tent, shuffling and stumbling, eyes stinging, blurring what little visibility he has.

When he enters the tent, Steve is waiting for him. He’s tired, too tired to speak, so as he trudges to his corner, he just listens, knowing Steve would have something to say.

So it comes as a surprise when Steve only wordlessly strips him of his wet clothes, replacing them with wool blankets warmed with Steve’s heat. He drags Bucky into his arms, laying them both on the ground, once again attempting to rub heat into frozen limbs.

Bucky closes his eyes and for the first time in a long time, relaxes.

* * *

They say nothing when they wake together a few hours later. Bucky is grateful, although he knows Steve’s silence wouldn’t last. Knows it from the careful way Steve skirts around him to take a seat further away around the fire, knows it from the glances across their meagre meals, and knows it from the way Steve averts his gaze every time Bucky looks back.

Soon enough, they’re packing up in silence, each man getting ready for the upcoming mission in their own way. They walk and nobody really notices when Bucky forgoes his position beside Steve and starts lagging behind.

Everyone would notice if Steve – Captain America - wasn’t at the front of the line, and even as the familiar curl of anger rises in him, he’s just grateful that avoiding any sort of talk with Steve gets easier each day.

Annoyed at the thoughts clattering in his head, he tries to focus on each step, tries to think of nothing, imagines his mind filling with the white snow his eyes ached looking at.

He loses himself in that, jerking in surprise when he realizes that he’s looking down at train tracks. He glances around, wondering when they had started climbing, when they had gotten to the top, and why his breathing was still steady when everyone around him was bent over, panting.

Except Steve, of course. Supersoldier Steve.

“Buck.”

Bucky turns to Steve, holding back a sigh. Steve jerks his head to the side and Bucky rolls his eyes, trudging sullenly in the indicated direction.

He stops when he knows that they are far enough away from the others and waits for the sound of Steve’s footsteps behind him before he turns. He stares at Steve, determined to put off talking for as long as he could.

“Bucky, last night. Do you remember-“

 “Yeah,” Bucky cuts in curtly.

Steve takes a moment to hesitate, but soldiers on.

“Did you… mean it?”

Bucky entertains the thought of lying, but he can’t help but wonder where Steve intended to go with this.

“Yeah,” he says again.

Steve looks surprised, sad and happy all at once. Anybody else would have called it confusion, but Bucky spent years with the guy, he knows what he’s seeing.

“How long?” Steve says, hoarse.

Bucky frowns at the sudden emotion in Steve’s voice. He knows his answer would mean something, would determine how this would play out, but he didn’t know _why_ it was so important. He doesn’t know what the right answer is supposed to be, so he sticks with honesty.

“For as long as I knew how.”

“Damn it, Bucky!”

Steve’s hands are clenching into fists and Bucky knows he’s wishing for something to punch. Bucky hopes he wasn’t going to be volunteered. He ignores the sick despair, disappointment coiling in his gut, just as he’s ignored everything else he didn’t want to handle.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” he shrugs, “Not like it was a choice or anythin’.”

“Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you say anything before, Buck?”

 _Because I was afraid,_ he thinks, _because I was a coward and even though I hoped you wouldn’t react like this, I knew you would._

“I woulda thought you’d want me to shut up ‘bout it, Stevie,” he drawls instead.

“No!” Steve is suddenly in front of him, thick fingers digging into his shoulders, “No, Buck. I’ve been wanting- I thought- I always-“

Bucky’s mind grinds to a halt before it picks up again, working through Steve’s words desperately, hopefully.

“Stevie,” he chokes out, “Stevie, no. You don’t-“

“I’m sorry, Bucky,” Steve throws back at him, “Not like it was a choice or anything.”

Bucky clutches at Steve’s shoulder.

“Peggy?”

Steve shakes his head helplessly.

“I- I don’t know, Buck.”

Bucky nods, throat constricting around the words he forces out.

“She’s a great girl, Steve. Can’t let that go.”

“The best,” Steve agrees, “but-“

“Cap!”

The voice jerks them apart; their breaths quickened the way their hike couldn’t cause. Bucky starts to move, brushing past Steve, but Steve catches his arm, forcing Bucky to look back at him.

“We are talking about this,” he says lowly.

Bucky swallows.

“After,” he says, “after the mission.”

Steve nods, releasing Bucky’s arm before cracking a small smile.

“Don’t try to fall off the damned train to avoid this, Barnes.”

Bucky chokes back hysterical laughter and nods before making his way back to the others. 

* * *

Later, as he clings onto the side of the train, he thinks that this really wasn't a bad way to go.

At least he can say that the last thing he did was try to protect Steve.

Even though he knows it would make no difference, he still tries to reach out to Steve, still tries to survive; he’s not going to leave the punk if he doesn’t have to.

Still, this time, when he falls, he’s smiling.

Steve would be safe from him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This story was sort of inspired by 'Last Night on Earth' by Delta Goodrem, but it kind of veered way off course. Hopefully it's still enjoyable to anyone! Thank you for reading, and please do leave a review if you feel inclined to! It'd be a real treat :)
> 
> Psst! Visit me on [tumblr](http://whatthebuckbucky.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
